March Update/ 7 weeks in / Complete Transparency

Silence.


I know I went from a daily post about new lessons we were learning.....to complete silence on the blog.


Sorry!  My health took  a nose dive there for a few weeks - and culture shock set in....


Let's just say I didn't have the energy or stamina or brain cells to write anything.....


...and I was feeling so overwhelmed I didn't know how to express anything with my words!


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Let's just say it was a tough few weeks for us..... in an attempt to be transparent and open with all of our friends and supporters -here is an inside look:

Brad went through a really overwhelming few days about 3 weeks into this.....

I know they say it is "expected", and "culture shock", and "normal"......

But it was really starting to get to him.....the traffic and driving are different here, we don't speak the language so it is hard to do anything, and FOOD not being good is REALLY hard.  You can't just run out to one of your normal restaurant choices or drive thrus....and there is only so much Burger King you can take.  And trying to buy groceries and MAKE food that taste good is challenging too.....finding similar ingredients, translating it all, ....it can finally just get overwhelming.  PLUS he is trying so hard to continue watching his weight - but when all your choices are BAD - you feel trapped.

THEN - me - the strong tower - well let's just say I broke!

I went through a couple of days where I just felt depressed.  I was really sick for a couple of days.  It was overwhelming physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I wanted the comfort of America....to just go to the store - buy the food I wanted to have (this is REALLY a BIG deal- you miss being able to eat stuff that taste good and is easily accessible) - I wanted my mom...... I wanted someone to comfort me, to help me, to listen to my woes, and encourage me. But I didn't have the physical stamina to even call or email anyone.  I felt like a big uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhh......

THEN - we went to church Sunday. I knew I was in a bad place.  I desperately needed some time to connect with God in worship.  Even though I don't know what they are singing - I can still find a way to connect with God during worship.  HOWEVER - it didn't happen.....  both girls were whining and clinging to me the whole worship time....saying they were hungry and that "everything is in Spanish"....

b/c of my own spiritual needs I was REALLY put out.  Then I felt guilty for not putting them and their needs first.  Macy started crying halfway into worship....I think she was just overwhelmed ( the only time we have gone places where EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around us is Spanish is church......) - and I was like - GOD - I don't need this right now.  It's more than I can handle.....

BTW - church STARTS at 11AM here and goes until 1:30.  NOT GOOD for a pregnant, low blood sugar mommy and 2 kiddos.  So I gave the girls crackers to eat during worship and then ate some myself during church so that I wouldn't get sick.  The kids leave after worship to go to "sunday school" - and Macy was clinging to me for dear life.  She did stay in class (there is another missionary kid that goes there and he knows a little spanish so she sat with him)....but just seeing her sit there so unsure of herself while everyone was rapid fire speaking Spanish around her....knowing she felt lost.....

I went to the bathroom and LOST IT.  Not only was "I" feeling overwhelmed...but now I am struggling with making sure I have the proper balance with pushing my child into this culture shock experience....  "Kids are resilient....she'll be ok." .... or "am I going to scar my child?" was the battle I was facing......  and then knowing I was being really selfish by just wanting some time to reconnect with God and get a dose of peace this day without having the added stress of the kids.....

WHEW......boy am I being transparent - but I feel if I don't share this - people won't get a true look at what a new missionary goes through during their first few weeks on the field....

Things have REALLY gotten to me.  This is so out of character for me!  I am usually little Ms. Optimistic!   I feel like a bad missionary because I am even complaining!  (but again everyone keeps telling us that these feelings are NORMAL during your first few weeks....everything in your life is so out of control that even the little things overwhelm you).  I keep reminding myself that at least God did not call us to the jungle where we are sleeping in tents with mosquito nets every night, using a latrine to go to the bathroom, and cooking our meals over a fire!

THEN - we hit a brick wall with the tutoring we were receiving.  We contracted with a lady to do 4 weeks of tutoring in Spanish before we start language school.  The lady does NOT speak any English......and even though she is as sweet as can be - we were so frustrated!  She goes on and on trying to explain things to us... in SPANISH mind you..... but there is a problem....we DON'T know spanish.  So her 10 min raves about why you use a certain word - do not help us ANY!

The first week was ok.  We learned our ABC's and vowels....and I guess we have learned a few things since then and made several observations.....  We are hopeful that our semester in language school will be a much more engaging experience!!  That starts next week!

THEN I went to my doctor last week.  He informed me that I failed the glucose test and have gestational diabetes.  He also informed me that I am already anemic.  Maybe that explains why I have days where I can hardly function....

But to be honest - maybe just b/c I was at such a low spot - I was DEVASTATED.  I have been so hopeful that maybe the rest of this pregnancy would be better than with Macy. It was very discouraging.  We have SO MUCH ON US right now.  I know I should not be this way - but I was like..... "God, can I just get a little break here?"  :)

So I made it until we got home and then I lost it and had a big boo hoo session with God while I took a hot shower.  I have been wanting to be STRONG right now for my husband and kids..... but felt very WEAK!

I know I usually just share the funny and interesting updates.  But this was reality for a few weeks.  And I feel sometimes that people put pastors and missionaries on a pedestal and think they are perfect or never have troubles.  I think it is so important that people realize that missionaries are REAL people just like everyone else.....and that we struggle with being overwhelmed, discouraged, and even depressed sometimes!  We are not super Christians...the only thing that might make us unique is our quest and determination to follow God in what/where He is CALLING us to - even if that means going across the sea!


Now, I will follow this TRANSPARENT/REALITY post up with the beautiful stories of God's encouragement to us during this time and with an update of HOW you can be praying for us as we continue this journey to fulfill God's plan for the McMath family!