People who make me cry

Those who know me well - know that I am just not much of a cryer. Yet the sheer reality of this season in our lives has me wearing tears on my cheeks more often than I would like.

One evening right before Christmas I was standing in the kitchen opening up the mail. On this particular night there was a card and a check from my grandparents in Fordyce for $50. I started feeling tears burning in the corners of my eyes. Then there was another card from Skip May with a check for $200...and tears began to run over. Then there was another card from Ms. Ula. Along with her card and Christmas gift...was an envelope for the girls....with a $2 bill for each of them. Sobs began to clutch my throat. Not only were these financial gifts timely. But the love and thought behind each of them blanketed me with such a feeling of being cared for.

Especially for Macy and Mia. We left a place where they were so loved and cherished. Everyone brightened when they saw them. Here, no one really knows them. They don't get "special" little things anymore. They probably haven't noticed - but Ms. Ula's card brought back all of the memories of people showering love on my children. So I headed to the shower trying to hold myself together....and on my way up the stairs I look down to see our picture of Ms. Linda and Melinda.....and the rivers of tears broke through the dam! Linda loves all children...sure....but she showed LOVE to our girls. Good grief at the tears. I spent probably 20 minutes sobbing in the shower. Just from the love we received in the mail....and the love that I miss.

February Update

FEBRUARY UPDATE

First of all, I just finished reading Brad's latest blog post. He has gotten to where he occasionally blogs about something....and I always enjoy it. It speaks to me. I love my guy. Check it out at: http://www.bradmcmath.blogspot.com/

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And as usual - our "update" post will be a little long - and then I will add some "snippets" every day the rest of this week!

Do my family and friends really want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly about this season of our lives? Or do they want the "mask"? In an effort of authenticity....I am going for the real deal. ..Sharing our trials in hope that people can pray specifically, and that others may be encouraged if they face similar circumstances.

So, how are we this month? Good question. I still go back to KNOWING that we were supposed to come to DC. That is what has gotten me through every day so far. This journey has not looked anything like we imagined. I am learning to CHOOSE to enjoy every day even though some of our life circumstances are frustrating. Added note: I have been thinking of Moses as I have considered our season of life right now. When he stood before the Red Sea with the Israelites - did he question if he had heard from God? When they had no food to eat in the desert - did he somehow lose his faith in God....or WAIT for the miracle.....the manna...

HOW ARE THINGS NOT LIKE WHAT WE EXPECTED?

First, we knew that this year was going to be tight - but I don't think we could have imagined how strained we would feel. Our recent move to outside of the city has caused some turmoil. We wait for a new renter to take the house in DC. However, God opened wide the door for us to move into this other house. Rent is cheaper. It feels like a "home" and not a "pit". Macy is in school.

YET - He sends a miracle in His way. Not my way. But HIS way.

...After showing the DC house again and again - with many people seeming interested, yet not taking it....we knew we needed to turn the showing of the house over to the management company. If we paid them a $1000 fee they would advertise the house on their website and show it and find a new tenant. (However we are still responsible to pay the rent until there is a new renter). We KNEW that we could not continue to drive in every night and weekend to spend literally hours showing the house with no one taking it. But we also knew we didn't have the $1000. ....

That VERY weekend we got a call that a lady, we will call her Brenda, had taken a check to her church for $1000 and said - I don't know why - but I have been troubled all day - and you need to send this to Brad & Glenda. Wow. What a God thing.

God just cracks me up sometimes. Now, can anyone tell me WHY He didn't just send someone to rent that house and let it be over with? It is like He is just baiting me to KEEP TRUSTING HIM! So I have set aside the worrying, the anxiety, the "me figuring this thing out"....and I am just trusting Him. I don't know how. I don't know when. I can't worry enough to figure it out. I just know He gave me a little ray of hope with this miracle - enough for me to say, "OK. Thank you that you still see us and you still care."

One thing that has stood out to me about this - is that even though God is ABLE to make money appear miraculously and anonymously in our mailbox...He uses HIS people to fulfill His purposes. If 'Brenda' wasn't obedient to God - where would we be? Could He still have provided? Sure....but it wouldn't have been according to His perfect plan.

I dream that one day God is going to bless us and bring us to the point where WE are the ones God is using to pour blessing into other's lives. For some reason He has us in a season right now of being the ones in need. Humbling. At one time in my life I wasn't willing to take anything from anyone. My pride said, "I can do it myself. I don't need anyone's help". I can tell you that Glenda would never have chosen the path of "needing generosity". God is definitely taking me through a time of breaking that pride.

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Secondly, we have walked through a valley of darkness the past few months. And unless we had walked through it - I don't think either of us could have ever REALLY understood it. Kinda like being a parent...you don't REALLY understand it all until you experience it.

What is this valley of darkness? Feeling like there is no hope. Like no one values you. Like no one really cares. Feeling like your ministry/career is over with. .....even feeling like your family would be better off with someone else taking care of them. It is CRAZY. I now understand how people commit suicide. They just get into a REALLY bad place.

The good thing is that Brad and I have been able to talk openly about this. I don't know if it has been entirely a spiritual battle - but I do know that it has been SUFFOCATING. When you have $4000 of unexpected expenditures and you don't even have a salary - it can really get to you. Duh. Only God can give you the kind of peace you need to rise out of the valley. And He is being faithful to do that. However some days we just feel like we have fallen off into the dark valley again for no reason at all. CRAZY I tell you! Added note: When Moses came down from the mount...to find the people worshipping a stupid golden calf....and his anger overcame him....and he broke the tablets that God Himself had carved... could he have felt overwhelmed? Could he have wanted to just run away? How could he have just had this AMAZING encounter with God - and at the SAME time the people be doing this? Didn't God see what they were doing? How could God have let them do that WHILE he was in the midst of writing out the incredible commandments to live by? CRAZY!

Thirdly, when you leave everything you know and all of your stability to pursue a dream of learning everything there is to know about a specialized ministry....and that doesn't quite happen...you begin to second guess yourself....second guess your calling....second guess your value...you become low in confidence....and low in having direction. Good thing I see people in the Bible feeling these things- or I would really fall apart!

The media team here is more than swamped. I am not sure that they would ever have any "discretionary time" to pour into a couple of novices in a scheduled and intentional way...and on just the specific development of video ministry! These guys are AMAZING and do WAY more than just video stuff! They are techies in every sense of the word! To hear them talk makes my head want to fall off sometimes! Whew!

Brad knows he is free to "ask" for help anytime he wants to learn something new...but he is not going to bother people when he knows what it is like to carry a heavy load of responsiblities. He has been encouraged to watch online tutorials on everything he needs to learn - so he is doing his best to do just that. Ha! If he doesn't lose his mind first! He does appreciate that up until now he never even had the time to try to teach himself much in the area of video. Being a pastor was an all consuming task! Added note: Moses "thought" that he was just going to lead the people out by the amazing hand of God. I don't think he anticipated the struggles he would encounter. I don't think he had the plagues in mind when he went to "fulfill" God's call on His life.

Did that mean that he had not heard from God about leading God's people out of Egypt? No. Some may have said, "Whoops, Moses, you missed it. If it was God's Will for you to deliver the Israelites - Pharoah would have said "yes, you can go".... and you wouldn't have all of this trouble." But somehow Moses didn't listen to them. He was a friend of God and was following Him in every detail.

In addition, I think God even said something like ..."I will lead you to the land I will show you." Moses didn't even have all the answers! This is good stuff - and I need to keep preaching this to MYSELF! :)

Yes, we are right where we are supposed to be. So we definitely know that God must have a bigger plan than we had. We thought we were going to come here and learn all that there is to filming, producing, and creating video -so that we could go out and do specifically that in ministry after this year. At this point - there is no telling what God has in store for us - b/c he is teaching us such different "life things" instead! Uhgg. :)

I will post little "life snippets" the rest of this week....however today's update is the summary of "where we are". We continue the journey! Please continue to pray for us:

1. Pray that God will provide everything we need to sustain us.

2. Pray that God will carry us through the dark valleys and teach us how to conquer that spiritual battle. Pray that we will understand WHY we are experiencing this and be able to help others in this same place.

3. Pray that we will understand and discover exactly why God has us here for this season of our lives. Pray that He will reveal to us His will and direction for our ministry. Pray that God will be Brad's teacher in whatever skills and knowledge that he needs for the ministry in our future.

4. Pray that we will learn to enjoy every day - even when we are not "feeling" like enjoying it...that we will not "lose" this time in our lives because of our frustrations.

5. Pray that God will teach us how to be His servants. Authentic Christians. How to really LOVE people.

Church Plant in a Theater

We are excited to spend the remainder of our time in DC helping out with a new church being planted right down the street from our house at the local movie theater. Excited to observe how they do things...and hoping to learn a lot.

Kingstowne 16

Macy's First Day of School

Macy was soooooo excited to start school on her birthday! And Mia was excited too.....until we returned home WITHOUT Macy. She cried and threw herself in the floor saying, "I want Macy!" So sweet!

More Family for Christmas!

Brad's mom and dad left on December 26....my mom and dad and fam arrived the next day! So we literally had company for 3 weeks! Loved our time together!

Of course my family wanted to see some of DC....

Love my pic of my handsome brother in front of the capitol....He is now over 6 foot! I have been outgrown!

December 30 marked my mom and dad's 25th anniversary...and here they were in DC with us instead of on a Europe trip or Caribbean cruise! They wanted to renew their vows while they were here - so we went down to the National Harbor by the water.... I think they are planning that cruise for February!

Family for Christmas

We were so blessed to have Macy and Mia's Mamaw and Pa visit for Christmas. Even though they worked like dogs while they were here (we moved on December 20), we hope they enjoyed their 10 days with us! We miss them so much.

My how my little girls are growing!

Daddy with his 2 beautiful girls. Precious.



Macy got to talk to Raegan on the phone on Christmas morning...that was a great gift. And of course Mia HAD to talk too! She is turning into quite the phone talker! :)

January Update (and the great emotional roller coaster!)

January Update

Wow. Where do I begin trying to update on our lives over the last month??? This post will be rather long since I am late on posting it – and A LOT has transpired since last month! (Will also do snippets on the blog every day next week).

God opens up the Door for us to Move
We had been praying about whether or not to move out of the city so that Macy could go to school. DC does not have many options for school age kids….at least not for families without money! :) The public schools rank as some of the lowest in the nation….and the private schools here cost anywhere from $5000-$15,000 PER year!

Macy is such a social little girl. She loves other kids and has not really had much opportunity for that group dynamic since we moved to DC. I found it very hard to motivate her to do school by herself.

In an act of God’s favor – we checked one more time into the home listings right outside of DC -in the Kingstowne/Alexandria area….an area where NCC (the church we are working with) is planting a new church starting next month. There was one house that had only been on the market for rent for 3 days that we went to see. Brad immediately felt it was the place to apply for. We applied immediately.

There were 15 applicants that day! We were 1st. We really should not have been picked b/c we are not the most qualified (income standards)….but God put an amazing realtor into our lives that went to bat for us and convinced the owner/agent that we were great people…..along with our friend Floyd who also went to bat for us and encouraged them to choose us.

Long story short….we got the contract to rent the house. Really an amazing thing… The house is just down the street from the theater we are starting a new church in next month.
MIRACLE #2 – We really felt that with so much transition and chaos in our lives that it would be wonderful for Macy to get to attend a Christian school. There is an AG Christian school 5 miles from our house. We would be unable to send her there b/c of cost – but by the grace and favor of God – they are working with us to allow Macy to go even with our limited income! Wow.

And it is a WONDERFUL school! Not only academically- but their personal touch is perfect for us! Knowing that incredible Christian people are partnering with us to invest in Macy’s spiritual, intellectual, and emotional development is such a blessing!

Macy turns 6 and her first day of school
January 7th was Macy’s birthday. How can she be 6 already? Where did 5 go?

She started school on her birthday! She was so excited! She had to get 4 shots in order to start school – and was soooo brave. She didn’t even cry! Geez!

Her school day starts out with about 15 minutes of praise and worship. Then they head to class. Her teacher had a special birthday hat for her to wear on her first day and a special teddy bear as a gift. She loved it!

She has gone for 8 days now – and in the mornings she DOES NOT want to get up and go….in the afternoons she is full of fun stories from the day….but by the evenings she has changed her mind and doesn’t want to go again. It would REALLY help if there was a little girl here named Raegan for her to look forward to seeing every day! :)

Our Dilemma with the DC House and My EMOTIONAL Roller Coaster
Since we signed a lease on the house in DC – it is our responsibility to help find a new tenant. After the “Open House” last Saturday – we felt God had provided the answer. A girl called the management company – and our understanding was that she wanted the house and would sign the lease on Monday. However, Monday I got a call that she had changed her mind.
I was DEVASTATED. I had “rested” mentally thinking – OK – it is a done deal... now I can focus on what God has called us here to do…focus on getting Macy stable in school….and finding God's direction for next year...

But now we are starting all over. After all of the nights of driving back in to show the house, all of the emails, all of the energy, all of the prayers, - we do not have the answer to our prayers.
I will be honest. I was ANGRY. I was upset with God because he did not answer the prayers of optimistic faith I had prayed...that MANY had prayed. Why? Yet we KNOW that moving outside the city was something GOD had directed us to do.

The hardest thing I have had to do was to go online and transfer the February money that we have for rent out of savings to pay for this month of rent on THAT house. Tears were streaming down my face as I looked at our account – KNOWING that we now have a problem.

We are expecting some money to come in late February that should help with rent for another few months. But that doesn't resolve the issue that we are now missing a month of rent b/c of our dilemma. And responsible to KEEP paying rent on that 2nd house until there is a renter. Doesn't it seem like the easiest, most logical plan for God to have sent a renter before January 1st? That would have resolved all of this! Yet do I trust Him....

Even though I KNOW that God can still provide – He did not provide the way I expected him to – and "in advance" the way I like to “plan” out these things.

Maybe He is just teaching us to fully rely on Him. To trust Him to do it His way. To trust Him even when we do not understand.

Brad has seen me cry more in the last week than in the entire 12 years that we have been married. I just don’t cry a lot. But all I have been able do this week is cry. I just feel so weary.

Even though I do not understand…yet do I trust Him.

I declare his faithfulness. I read this morning in Psalm 107 where repeatedly “they called out to God in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.” And Psalm 108 “My heart is confident, God……answer me, so that those You love may be rescued.” I am hoping that I will soon have an incredible story to tell about how God has answered this need! We have another OPEN HOUSE tomorrow and are just WAITING on God at this point.

Our Home in Arkansas
Believe it or not – in addition to our DC house issue – we also have another dilemma with our home that we own in Huntsville! We had rented it out when we left thinking that for one year we would not have to worry about a decision to sell it. However, our renter (and friends –the Ferguson family) have needed to move out – and now we have a house that we need to sell. And it is not exactly the best time to be selling a home with the economy feeling strained! However, I know that God blessed us with this home. It was the first REAL “home” that I had ever had. After living in various homes growing up, and parsonages as a pastor’s kid….it was my first real HOME. We love this house and know that someone else will too. So we are waiting for God to bring the right person to snatch it up!

Financial Strain
Talk about financial strain! I have never been in a place in my life where I HAD to depend on God for every day like this. Every time I go to the grocery store and buy milk and bread for our family – I thank God for the people that are supporting us for $25 or $50 monthly. We would not be making it without the support. And that is just our daily needs. Now I have to trust him with these 2 house dilemmas. We sold enough of our belongings and raised enough money to almost support our rent for the entire year. But that was before we threw this wrench into it!

In all truthfulness -this has been hard. I like to have things figured out. I like things to make sense. I am learning how to take a leap of faith…but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments of being completely overwhelmed and almost depressed. I like stability. I like structure. I like peace.

I am learning what it is to seek for peace in the storm. This is just “life” stuff. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the ministry that Brad and I are trying to learn here in DC. This move has been about much more than just learning a new ministry. It is about everything.

God’s Faithfulness
People asked us constantly – how are you going to get the money to adopt a child from China (while we were pursuing adoption)… yet God sent a MIRACLE. We said “We have no idea – but trust God has a plan”. Out of nowhere – a relative of mine died and left a sum of money totaling almost the EXACT amount we needed to complete our adoption! That is a GOD thing!

When I got the check in the mail that day for $17,777 – I knew it was God’s faithful provision because we were trusting him completely. I had been having my moments of doubt b/c the answer had not come yet…. Yet he answered. We wouldn’t have Mia in our lives right now without this miracle.

The weight of our Bible College loans weighed heavily upon us as we strived to get completely out of debt. We were praying for a miracle. Then one day a Godly man walked through the door and told us God had laid on his heart to pay off our college loans! He wrote us a check that day for $14,000! Once again, I had begun to doubt God was going to answer…..yet He was faithful.

We wouldn’t be able to pursue missions right now if it were not for this miracle.
Now I am waiting for yet another miracle. In a situation that seems distressing. I cry out to the Lord in our trouble, and believe he will save us from our distress. He is good. He is faithful.

PRAYER NEEDS:
1. Pray for God to send the right person to rent the house in DC as soon as possible. Pray that the wrong people will cancel, thus saving us time.
2. Pray about our house in Huntsville that God will send a buyer.
3. Pray that God will send peace.
4. Pray for Macy as she attends school that she will grow in her love for God, and that her mind will be opened up to learning what she is behind on. Pray for God to give her a LOVE for learning.
5. Pray for Brad and I that we will find God’s direction for our lives when this year is complete. Pray that He will open up the doors He has destined us to walk through and make the way clear.
6. Pray that we will reach the people around us in our daily life. That we will touch the lives that need to be touched by God right here….right now.
7. Pray that God will provide.